WackJob...

So, I've been obsessing.

As you may recall, I've done this twice before, both times we miscarried.

The first miscarriage we went in for the 6 week ultrasound at week 7 (Christmas was the week before and we were in D.C. for the holiday) and discovered that there was no heartbeat and that the fetus had likely died at about 5.5 weeks given the size.

The second miscarriage we went into our six week ultrasound and saw a heartbeat. At the time I thought that the doctor doing the ultrasound was not as positive as I would have thought and I felt like something was up. When we did a seven week ultrasound the fetus had only grown another millimeter and we were told that even though there was a heartbeat and a fetal pole, the fetus would likely die. By the eighth week it was dead.

But I have always been sure that the doctor knew at six weeks that there was something wrong and didn't tell me. As it turns out, I was right.

I have a five week ultrasound scheduled for Thursday. Knowing that, and knowing what I wouldn't see (heartbeat, fetal pole, etc.) I was curious to know what I would see. So I went to the all powerful, all knowing Internets. Where I found this article on five week ultrasounds.

And here is the passage I found interesting.

in the fifth week of gestation: a circular chorionic sac, typically 5-8 mm wide.

When I had the second pregnancy, the one which allowed us to see the heartbeat the chrionic sac was 4.3MM wide at six weeks. He did know something was wrong and he didn't tell me.

Having read this I am now totally paranoid that the fetus inside of me will be tiny. That we won't be able to see it. That there is something terribly, terribly wrong.

I was really happy when they told me to no longer come in for HCG tests because I was doing so well, but now I have this awful feeling that things aren't rising properly. I don't feel particularly pregnant (as opposed to the last two times). I'm a little more fatigued, but not to the extent I was. There's the hunger issue, but I'm not peeing as much as I did the first two times.

And I know I have to calm the fuck down. But I am not sure I can.